And so life goes on...

I have been using these pages to justify talking to myself. I realize that by putting things on the internet I risk hurting or embarrassing others. I am not on a quest to "help anyone" or "be a shining light in the darkness". My goal is just to sort out the mess inside my head and remember that I do need to let God be in control.

Transitions are extremely difficult.The keeping together of my family while getting myself together is difficult. I'm watching my oldest try to be an adult and being prepared if she crashes and burns is tough on my mommy's heart. The two boys are just forging ahead into the teen years and I'm not even ready for that minefield. The youngest is still my last chance at getting it almost right. Yet circumstances in her life have thrown a kink in our calm.

The latest transition has to do with my husband retiring. After 23 years in his current career (active duty), he is moving on to his dream job (law enforcement). While I am glad he is finally getting to live his dream,  I adjust to a decrease in household budget, increase in danger to his life (ironically), and the crazy schedule changes every 2 months. I find it hard to pray most days because I know I have irritation about the whole situation. So I find myself talking to God one sentence at a time. So far the irritation has stayed just that and not turned into resentment which is deadly in a marriage. Any useful advice? (Keep it positive please)

Once Upon A Time

I was sitting here tonight watching the marathon of a tv show including fairy tale characters trapped in the real world. I kind of wondered why this show would be kept on even though the premise was a little cheesy. Then came the kiss of true love that allowed the curse to be broken...This time it was a mothers love for her son. It was a neat twist.

But when the 'princess' reconnects with her prince charming it was her line that made me realize how the show stayed on. She looks at him and says "you found me" His reply "did you expect me to stop looking?" At the heart of every little girl all grown up is a princess who wants to be searched for, dragons slayed for, impossible quests completed for so that she knows that regardless of how hard things get her prince charming will do what it takes to find her and love her.

For fathers out there if you have little girls, be the man you want them to marry. If you have little boys, be the husband you want them to be. Show them by treating your wife like the princess she still has hiding in her heart. Mothers be the princess that deserves to be pursued not locked into a tower. Your daughters will become who you are and your sons will find a wife that treats them like you treat your husband. Make sure that they have a healthy example to follow.

You physically hurt when true love dies and it can be devastating when it is killed. Guard your relationships by not excluding God. Have a common focus and the tough times will be fought together.

Its been a while.

There was a brief time when I was working hard to give my worries and burdens to God. The pressure build up could be released thru prayer and I could face the next challenge. Then my husbands mid-tour brought more pain and disappointment than I was prepared for, honestly I wasn't prepared at all for disappointment. I then proceeded to allow the hurt to build and every little accumulated offense build up. He has now been home for a little over 6 months and well things have just gotten worse.

Every event that accumulated during his deployment is justified by him as just my imagination and he is void of all wrong doing. I have asked for couples counseling but to no avail because I am the only one with a problem. I can say right now if I were financially on my own two feet I would consider walking. But how do you explain to the kids that Daddy just quit loving mommy because she was just to difficult?

I need to refocus and renew my reliance on God. The burden gets bigger and darker daily. The feeling that the entire world would function better without the stress of me is present daily now. But it would be unfair to my kids to carry the burden that their mother was a coward and would be scarred by a selfish act. Ironically one of my friends pointed out that I was the only person she knew of that valued others so much more than I valued myself that suicide wasn't an option because it would inconvenience someone else. I know that its not an option because it totally goes against everything I believe down deep inside but I can truly understand how some people succumb to the lure of leaving the pain behind.

A new phase

So my husband came home from Korea and the adjustment is strange. I haven't figured out yet where we are headed or how it will turn out. I am still feeling as if I am to blame for all miseries that go on in this household. I struggle with the suspicions of another affair and with his lack of respect or consideration for the hurt that has been building up. Why can't he see his contribution to my hurt?

Mother's Day

I have now celebrated my 16th mother's day. This year was quiet and simple. One of my friends took the kids shopping so that they could treat me to something on Mother's day and on my birthday. They bought me a movie so after church we all vegged in front of the tv and watched the movie. Then they all went their separate ways to play. Just a nice day.

I have made the reservations to meet my husband in Seattle at the beginning of his midtour. I'm excited and nervous. It's a little disappointing that he doesn't appear to be excited at all. I'm hoping this can attributed to fatigue and not disinterest. I sometimes wonder if it is possible for both of us to be happy at the same time.

I can't even think of a title for this one. My daughter ended her first relationship ( or he did) about 5 months ago. I was expecting tears, depression and a gradual coming out of it. Then on to the rest of life. It has been anything but that. There are girls at school who continuously talk about her, the boy keeps bouncing in and out, and now she's convinced he is the one she's suppose to marry later in life. Of course thru it all I haven't necessarily been the hugs and cuddles mommy but I have listened, talked, tried to guide her in maturing a little bit in response to the situation. Now tonight I have been informed that in all of this I am the one who has caused her the greatest pain. Now a few weeks ago this would have resulted in a good round of self pity, wallowing, and few boxes of little debbies and a general so forget it attitude. At this moment though, I'm just sad. It's hard to find out as a mom that you are a source of pain for your child, at least for those of us within one standard deviation of normal. Now what? I have no clue where to go from here. I wanted to just quit. Then I went into my bedroom and found a drawing on my pillow. One of my sons had drawn a picture with HMD (Happy Mother's Day) and the words "you are wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14. So I figure I might just have a chance to still get part of this condition called motherhood right. After all I do have 4 tries at it. Maybe by the last one, she'll be okay and close to normal. The others I just gotta keep praying.

Okay God I get it

The last 2 days God has definitely been letting me know (in his usual humorous ways) that since I asked him to be in control, I need to let him. Last night it was a book mark. I have this magnetic bookmark that i use in my daily reading Bible that has a frog on it. I like it because I read a story once of a person who pointed out that F.R.O.G. stood for Fully Rely On God, something I need to remember more often. Anyway last night I was closing up my Bible and reached for my bookmark. It wasn't there. So I started searching, all over my bed, in the covers, in the kitchen, living room bathroom, and both computer desks. I could not find it anywhere. So I decided to just go to sleep and look again in the morning. I lay back on my pillows and looked up. There on the air conditioning register in the ceiling, was my frog book mark. My son admitted this morning that he put it up there just playing around because it would stick. Leave it to the home-schooled kid.

This morning I was praying about the difficulty my husband and I have been having during this deployment feeling like we are connected. I told God "I give it to you because I can't figure out what to do." I called my husband to just apologize for handing the phone off yesterday. He had called to talk to me, I thought he had called to talk to our oldest who is struggling with a breakup. I didn't want him to feel like I was avoiding him. Anyway, when I called he answered, said he said he had gone to bed early because he had a big run in the morning. Now to the rational part of my brain, okay go get some rest so I hung up. Then this overwhelming fear and panic set in and took my thoughts and heart down a dark road to a place I didn't need to go. So in my panic I tried to call him back. First attempt: the cell phone completely froze. Okay take the battery out, try again. Second attempt: Ring, Ring, 'The number you have dialed has been disconnected'. Crap, dialed it wrong, try again. Third attempt: checked the dialing, yep thats okay, send. Ring Ring, 'The number you have dialed has been disconnected'. The only way it could have been more clear was God himself saying out loud "Hey, you gave this to me right? THEN LET ME HANDLE IT!!" So I let it go, called my friend and talked thru the moment. (Thanks Shell!) Since I was laying on my bed, I turned over to finish reading the Bible passage I had started before all this. Psalm 32 was where the Bible was open to, so I read it. Verse 9 really stood out.
     Psalm 32:9 (NASB): "Do not be as the horse or the mule which have no understanding, whose trappings include bit and bridle to hold them in check..."

So God blatantly told me I was being as stubborn as a mule. Now since I have an odd sense of humor I'm learning that God loves to use that to get his message across. So with that verse in mind, I will be working hard to keep Him from having to yank my lead too often.