I started this second blog as more a place for me to "talk". Yes I realize that, as the title suggests, I am just one more voice in a sea of voices in the blogosphere. My other blog I try to keep up to date on happenings within the family since military duty has divided our family once again. No complaints because I knew the possibilities when we got married 12 years ago but I can say, as thousands of other military spouses will tell you, it gets old. The being a single parent, the handling the broken car(s), fixing the broken items around the house, fixing broken hearts, working hard to make sure the connection between the "away" parent and the kids stays strong, and sleepless nights praying that the situation the spouse is in will be a safe one. Staying close in a relationship with a spouse who is gone for long periods of time is very difficult. There are times I just don't have the energy to be the person he needs in addition to everything else. This is my struggle.
One thing my husband pointed out was that I haven't said "I miss you" at all since he left. The part that disturbs me is that I don't miss him in the same way I used to . When we were first married I longed to talk, to see, to touch, and to just be. Now I feel like I am numb I guess would be the closest appropriate word. What scares me is that I don't know how to change it.
Many old school military family categorize memories and happenings based on where they were stationed at the time, I on the other hand categorize by was he here when it happened? I don't know what I have and haven't told him because there's always the balance of trying not to sound like I'm complaining but trying to keep some connection. Unfortunately when we get to talk the problems issues are forefront of my mind because I have to figure out how to work them out. I wish he would understand that there are happy moments but I usually need to talk to work out the issues. Sometimes I just need him to listen and sometimes I need him to say how can I help you.
I can say though that having a support network of friends is a blessing. They help with the kids, scheduling issues that require 2 drivers, broken vehicles that need fixing but money for an official mechanic is hard to squeeze out, and importantly: prayer to keep me lifted up even when I'm too worn to know what to say to God.
Yes I recognize God's hand in my life. Some may scoff and say there is no God, which is your choice to believe and I do not ridicule or belittle you for your beliefs so please give me the same respect. There are too many coincidences (as some would call them) that are mathematically improbable to happen in their given sequence. Too many times a feeling of peace and security floods my being when moments earlier there was stress and strife.
Well the clock has struck midnight and the alarm will be buzzing all too soon. My thoughts are beginning to wander so until the next time...
