Mother's Day

I have now celebrated my 16th mother's day. This year was quiet and simple. One of my friends took the kids shopping so that they could treat me to something on Mother's day and on my birthday. They bought me a movie so after church we all vegged in front of the tv and watched the movie. Then they all went their separate ways to play. Just a nice day.

I have made the reservations to meet my husband in Seattle at the beginning of his midtour. I'm excited and nervous. It's a little disappointing that he doesn't appear to be excited at all. I'm hoping this can attributed to fatigue and not disinterest. I sometimes wonder if it is possible for both of us to be happy at the same time.

I can't even think of a title for this one. My daughter ended her first relationship ( or he did) about 5 months ago. I was expecting tears, depression and a gradual coming out of it. Then on to the rest of life. It has been anything but that. There are girls at school who continuously talk about her, the boy keeps bouncing in and out, and now she's convinced he is the one she's suppose to marry later in life. Of course thru it all I haven't necessarily been the hugs and cuddles mommy but I have listened, talked, tried to guide her in maturing a little bit in response to the situation. Now tonight I have been informed that in all of this I am the one who has caused her the greatest pain. Now a few weeks ago this would have resulted in a good round of self pity, wallowing, and few boxes of little debbies and a general so forget it attitude. At this moment though, I'm just sad. It's hard to find out as a mom that you are a source of pain for your child, at least for those of us within one standard deviation of normal. Now what? I have no clue where to go from here. I wanted to just quit. Then I went into my bedroom and found a drawing on my pillow. One of my sons had drawn a picture with HMD (Happy Mother's Day) and the words "you are wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14. So I figure I might just have a chance to still get part of this condition called motherhood right. After all I do have 4 tries at it. Maybe by the last one, she'll be okay and close to normal. The others I just gotta keep praying.

Okay God I get it

The last 2 days God has definitely been letting me know (in his usual humorous ways) that since I asked him to be in control, I need to let him. Last night it was a book mark. I have this magnetic bookmark that i use in my daily reading Bible that has a frog on it. I like it because I read a story once of a person who pointed out that F.R.O.G. stood for Fully Rely On God, something I need to remember more often. Anyway last night I was closing up my Bible and reached for my bookmark. It wasn't there. So I started searching, all over my bed, in the covers, in the kitchen, living room bathroom, and both computer desks. I could not find it anywhere. So I decided to just go to sleep and look again in the morning. I lay back on my pillows and looked up. There on the air conditioning register in the ceiling, was my frog book mark. My son admitted this morning that he put it up there just playing around because it would stick. Leave it to the home-schooled kid.

This morning I was praying about the difficulty my husband and I have been having during this deployment feeling like we are connected. I told God "I give it to you because I can't figure out what to do." I called my husband to just apologize for handing the phone off yesterday. He had called to talk to me, I thought he had called to talk to our oldest who is struggling with a breakup. I didn't want him to feel like I was avoiding him. Anyway, when I called he answered, said he said he had gone to bed early because he had a big run in the morning. Now to the rational part of my brain, okay go get some rest so I hung up. Then this overwhelming fear and panic set in and took my thoughts and heart down a dark road to a place I didn't need to go. So in my panic I tried to call him back. First attempt: the cell phone completely froze. Okay take the battery out, try again. Second attempt: Ring, Ring, 'The number you have dialed has been disconnected'. Crap, dialed it wrong, try again. Third attempt: checked the dialing, yep thats okay, send. Ring Ring, 'The number you have dialed has been disconnected'. The only way it could have been more clear was God himself saying out loud "Hey, you gave this to me right? THEN LET ME HANDLE IT!!" So I let it go, called my friend and talked thru the moment. (Thanks Shell!) Since I was laying on my bed, I turned over to finish reading the Bible passage I had started before all this. Psalm 32 was where the Bible was open to, so I read it. Verse 9 really stood out.
     Psalm 32:9 (NASB): "Do not be as the horse or the mule which have no understanding, whose trappings include bit and bridle to hold them in check..."

So God blatantly told me I was being as stubborn as a mule. Now since I have an odd sense of humor I'm learning that God loves to use that to get his message across. So with that verse in mind, I will be working hard to keep Him from having to yank my lead too often.

No Pay?

Okay normally I hate politics. Today I hate them even more. I was reading some of the news websites and can genuinely say WHAT? If I am understanding this whole government shut down mess, military members will not be getting paid if the government shuts down. So that means not only is my husand thousands of miles away, doing a job that has never been a 40 hour work week job, and is not allowed to just not show up for work (there's major consequences for that) BUT now he has to continue to work even though we won't be getting a paycheck. Congress members will still get paid won't they? So how did our government reach the point of being so completely dysfunctional but still in service? I just don't understand...

Love is patient...

For my anniversary a friend of mine gave me a book by Max Lucado: A Love Worth Giving. So far it is taking 1 Corinthians 13 one descriptor at a time and examining love in depth. The very first attribute given to love is Patience. Now as humans this is a tough one, especially with our society's desire for instant gratification. I have read this chapter twice now because patience is not a phrase used to describe me very often, but I would like for it to be.

A few things that Max Lucado points out that caught my attention:
~ "Impatience imprisons the soul": "Self absorption and ingratitude make for thick walls and lonely jails."
~ "Patience always hitches a ride with understanding" so when praying for patience also ask for understanding.

I know this is especially true with my kids. When I am impatient and not listening I sometimes snap or jump to a conclusion before they have a chance to even finish their sentence, which creates frustration or hurt. Yet if I can wait for them to finish whatever they are saying and actually understand their point, things go smoother. I cannot promise I will always be successful but I can promise to be more deliberate to gain patience and understanding both.

As Mr. Lucado writes: " Before love is anythign else, love is patient"

Courage 2

When my husband called tonight, I found the courage again to be open. I simply said that when I had expressed my burden to him before and made a simple request that the only thing I needed to hear him say was "I will" yet he chose defensiveness. This revelation was answered with silence. So what do I do now? I continue to pray and wait. Some of the past deployments were "easy" (for those who have been there, you understand) this one is not. My heart is uneasy and that's the only way I know to describe it.

Courage

There are times when it takes courage to talk honestly. Especially to someone we love. Is it because our past behaviors and reactions have set a preconception for all future performances? Or maybe because we love this person they have a power over our hearts that we have to weigh the risk of hurt to the value of complete honesty. I was honest with my husband about something that was truly weighing on my heart. His response was defensiveness, though I was not accusing. The result for me was pain and disappointment. All I needed to hear from him were the words "I will". Extended separations (for us by the military) put a strain on marriage. Communication can be stilted and sparse due to not wanting to worry the other person about what is truly going on. But if you find the courage, be prepared that you may not get the response you need.  

One voice

I started this second blog as more a place for me to "talk". Yes I realize that, as the title suggests, I am just one more voice in a sea of voices in the blogosphere. My other blog I try to keep up to date on happenings within the family since military duty has divided our family once again. No complaints because I knew the possibilities when we got married 12 years ago but I can say, as thousands of other military spouses will tell you, it gets old. The being a single parent, the handling the broken car(s), fixing the broken items around the house, fixing broken hearts, working hard to make sure the connection between the "away" parent and the kids stays strong, and sleepless nights praying that the situation the spouse is in will be a safe one. Staying close in a relationship with a spouse who is gone for long periods of time is very difficult. There are times I just don't have the energy to be the person he needs in addition to everything else. This is my struggle.

One thing my husband pointed out was that I haven't said "I miss you" at all since he left. The part that disturbs me is that I don't miss him in the same way I used to . When we were first married I longed to talk, to see, to touch, and to just be. Now I feel like I am numb I guess would be the closest appropriate word. What scares me is that I don't know how to change it.

Many old school military family categorize memories and happenings based on where they were stationed at the time, I on the other hand categorize by was he here when it happened? I don't know what I have and haven't told him because there's always the balance of trying not to sound like I'm complaining but trying to keep some connection. Unfortunately when we get to talk the problems issues are forefront of my mind because I have to figure out how to work them out. I wish he would understand that there are happy moments but I usually need to talk to work out the issues. Sometimes I just need him to listen and sometimes I need him to say how can I help you.

I can say though that having a support network of friends is a blessing. They help with the kids, scheduling issues that require 2 drivers, broken vehicles that need fixing but money for an official mechanic is hard to squeeze out, and importantly: prayer to keep me lifted up even when I'm too worn to know what to say to God.

Yes I recognize God's hand in my life. Some may scoff and say there is no God, which is your choice to believe and I do not ridicule or belittle you for your beliefs so please give me the same respect. There are too many coincidences (as some would call them) that are mathematically improbable to happen in their given sequence. Too many times a feeling of peace and security floods my being when moments earlier there was stress and strife.

Well the clock has struck midnight and the alarm will be buzzing all too soon. My thoughts are beginning to wander so until the next time...