There was a brief time when I was working hard to give my worries and burdens to God. The pressure build up could be released thru prayer and I could face the next challenge. Then my husbands mid-tour brought more pain and disappointment than I was prepared for, honestly I wasn't prepared at all for disappointment. I then proceeded to allow the hurt to build and every little accumulated offense build up. He has now been home for a little over 6 months and well things have just gotten worse.
Every event that accumulated during his deployment is justified by him as just my imagination and he is void of all wrong doing. I have asked for couples counseling but to no avail because I am the only one with a problem. I can say right now if I were financially on my own two feet I would consider walking. But how do you explain to the kids that Daddy just quit loving mommy because she was just to difficult?
I need to refocus and renew my reliance on God. The burden gets bigger and darker daily. The feeling that the entire world would function better without the stress of me is present daily now. But it would be unfair to my kids to carry the burden that their mother was a coward and would be scarred by a selfish act. Ironically one of my friends pointed out that I was the only person she knew of that valued others so much more than I valued myself that suicide wasn't an option because it would inconvenience someone else. I know that its not an option because it totally goes against everything I believe down deep inside but I can truly understand how some people succumb to the lure of leaving the pain behind.
No comments:
Post a Comment